Marriage in the Light of Revelation

The Historical and Social Context Throughout the historical journey of human societies, the institution of marriage has always occupied a central place. Marriage, one of the cornerstones of social order, stands not merely as a matter of individual preference, but at a critical intersection where cultural codes, moral values, and religious understandings converge. In Turkish society as well, the understanding of marriage has been shaped as a synthesis of Islam's revelation-centered teachings and Anatolia's layered cultural heritage. However, which element predominates in this synthesis, which values take priority, and most importantly, how audible the voice of revelation is — these are questions that must be examined. In recent years, debates over "arranged marriage by matchmakers" have brought this tension to the surface. Singer Yıldız Tilbe's statement — "The man a woman chooses by her own thinking generally doesn't turn out right. Marrying through the matchmaker method is the most beautiful way" — while voicing an understanding held by a segment of society, simultaneously invites deep questioning. Is this statement truly in harmony with the spirit of Islam? Does revelation envision that a person delegates one of their most vital decisions to others? Or does it call the human being to decide through their own free will, guided by divine guidance? Looking vs. Seeing: A Qur'anic Distinction The Qur'an draws one of the most fundamental distinctions shaping human perception between looking (نظر - nazar) and seeing (رأى - ru'yat / بصر - basar). This distinction relates not only to visual perception but also deeply to the capacity to comprehend truth. In Surah Al-A'raf, verse 198, this distinction is expressed strikingly:

"And if you call them to guidance, they do not hear; and you see them looking at you, but they do not see." In this verse, it is emphasized that the mushrikeen looked at the Prophet Muhammad, yet in reality could not see. The eye is open, the retina is functional, but the spirit is absent. Here the chasm between looking and seeing reveals itself. Looking is a bodily act; seeing is a spiritual perception. If a person is devoid of spirit, if their heart is sealed, no matter how wide they open their eyes, they cannot see the truth. This condition is expressed in Surah Al-Baqarah, verse 7: "Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing, and over their vision is a veil." So how does this distinction relate to the matter of marriage? In matchmaker-arranged marriages, persons authorized by the family or community look at the prospective spouses. They examine physical features, assess social status, attempt to determine financial standing. But can this looking truly see that person's inner world, depth of faith, moral character, and most importantly their worth before Allah? In traditional arranged marriage, one looks with the eye, but cannot see with the spirit. The focus falls on external criteria, while inner truth escapes notice. The Divine Purpose of Marriage: Sakinah, Mawaddah, and Rahmah When the Qur'an defines the institution of marriage, it emphasizes three fundamental concepts: Sakinah (tranquility/repose), mawaddah (deep love), and rahmah (compassion/mercy). In Surah Ar-Rum, verse 21, this triad is expressed as follows: "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." This verse presents the theological and psychological dimensions of marriage together. The phrase "from yourselves" emphasizes that spouses come from the same essence of creation — they are not strangers to one another, but familiar. The word "find tranquility" shows that marriage is a spiritual harbor, a source of peace and serenity. "Affection and mercy" form the emotional foundation of this union. Yet how much are these three divine aims considered in traditional arranged marriages? Regrettably, the criteria that tend to come to the fore in such marriages are as follows:

1. Physical Appearance and Body Measurements: The practice known as "bathhouse x-raying" involves observing a woman's physical characteristics — by taking her to a bathhouse or by other means — on behalf of the groom's family. This practice reduces the woman to an object and completely disregards the spiritual dimension of marriage.
2. Financial Standing: The man's "wallet size," the family's social status and economic power are determining factors in matchmaker-arranged marriages. Despite Surah Al-Hujurat, verse 13, declaring that the measure of worth before Allah is taqwa, material values are foregrounded.
3. Lineage and Clan: The mentality of "take not the girl but her family" causes the family one belongs to be valued above the individual's own worth. This approach contradicts Islam's individualist structure, which holds every person accountable by their own deeds.
4. Protection from Neighborhood Gossip: Marriage decisions are often shaped by the question "What will the neighborhood say?" The approval of people is sought ahead of the approval of Allah. None of these criteria align with the divine purposes expressed in Surah Ar-Rum. Sakinah, mawaddah and rahmah cannot be tied to bodily measurements, material wealth, or lineage. They are possible only through spiritual harmony, moral sharing, and a partnership of faith. Age, Experience, and Knowledge: The Teaching of the Prophet Ibrahim In traditional societies, old age is automatically associated with wisdom and sound judgment. Expressions such as "Our elders did it this way," "My grandfather said so," and "My mother is experienced — she knows" rest on the assumption that age is directly proportional to knowledge and wisdom. However, the Qur'an questions this assumption. In Surah Maryam, verse 43, the address of the Prophet Ibrahim to his father is recounted:

"O my father, indeed there has come to me of knowledge that which has not come to you, so follow me; I will guide you to an even path." What is striking in this verse is that the young Ibrahim offers guidance to his father — older and more experienced than himself — by virtue of the revelation-based knowledge he possesses. The father holds a respected position in his mushrik society, being an elderly and seasoned man. Yet he is devoid of revelation. Ibrahim, by contrast, is young but has been graced with Allah's revelation. And this revelation, despite all the accumulated age and experience, makes Ibrahim the representative of truth in the face of his father. The fundamental lessons drawn from this verse are:

1. Age Alone Is Not Virtue: Old age may bring worldly experience, but if that experience lacks divine knowledge, it does not lead the person to truth. In fact, in some cases, having ingrained wrong habits and values of ignorance (jahiliyyah) may, with age, harden into a more entrenched deviation.
2. Knowledge Comes from Revelation: The knowledge that leads to truth originates from Allah's revelation. Human experiences and social traditions gain meaning only when evaluated in the light of revelation.
3. The Young Can Also Be Right: Islam is not a religion of the status quo. A young believer's correct knowledge rooted in revelation is superior to the revelation-distant experience of an older person. Viewed from this perspective, the understanding in matchmaker-arranged marriages that "the elders know best, they decide" must be questioned. If those elders are not nourished by revelation, if their decisions are shaped by jahiliyyah values, they cannot show the young the right path. On the contrary, they may lead them astray from Allah's path. Will and Consent in Marriage Islam does not leave marriage to the decision of families or society. It is individual-centered. The woman and the man must see each other, come to know each other, and decide through their free will. In the time of the Prophet Muhammad families could serve as intermediaries and offer advice, but the right of final decision always belonged to the individuals. Marriage as Cause-Brotherhood: The Understanding of Rabbaniyyun In the Qur'an, the word rabbani is used for those who dedicate themselves entirely to Allah, live by His revelation, and call others to Him. To be rabbani is not merely to possess knowledge, but to act upon that knowledge, to live it, and to teach it. For the believer, then, marriage is a brotherhood in cause on this rabbani journey. The Cause Dimension of Marriage: In Islam, marriage is not merely the union of two individuals but the shoulder-to-shoulder walking of two believing siblings on the path of Allah. Spouses must, beyond providing each other worldly comfort, strengthen one another's faith, cooperate in performing righteous deeds, and present a united stance in servitude to Allah. Spouses are responsible not only to each other but also for the advancement of the family they will form on the path of servitude to Allah. This is possible only with a consciousness of cause, a rabbani understanding. How Is the Rabbaniyyun Spouse Chosen? If the purpose of marriage is so lofty, then spouse selection must be in that direction. It is unthinkable for a believer to choose a spouse by "bathhouse x-ray" or wallet calculations. Instead, the following questions must be asked:

• Is this person conscious of their responsibility before Allah?
• Do they fulfill their acts of worship; is their character revelation-centered?
• Can they strike a balance between this world and the hereafter?
• Can we walk together on the path of Allah?
• Will this person be a help to me in my worldly life and in my hereafter? These are the genuine questions a believer must ask when selecting a spouse. The Conflict of Traditional Practices with Revelation Some traditional marriage practices are directly contrary to the spirit of Islam and the teachings of revelation. Let us examine these practices one by one:

1. Bathhouse Culture and Body Fetishism A tradition continuing since the Ottoman period: the girl is observed at the bathhouse, her physical characteristics are examined in detail, and her bodily features are reported. This practice reduces the woman to a commodity, an object to be inspected. Islam commands modesty of gaze toward women and men alike. Bathhouse culture is in clear contradiction to this divine command. Moreover, subjecting a woman's body to assessment without her consent tramples upon her personality and dignity.
2. Forced Marriage and Deprivation of Freedom In some traditional communities, especially girls are married off without their consent, sometimes before they have reached the age of maturity. This is contrary to the clear rulings of Islamic law. In a religion where forcibly inheriting from others is forbidden, it is unthinkable for forced marriage to be permissible. Islam has granted women many legal rights: owning property, inheriting, demanding financial support, and the right to divorce. But her most fundamental right is her free will over her own life.
3. Practices Containing Shirk: Amulets, Evil Eye Charms, Fortune-Telling Many elements of shirk enter traditional marriage processes:

• Fortune-tellers are visited to determine whether the marriage will be "auspicious"
• Amulets are written, evil eye charms are worn
• "Fate-opening" prayers and spells are performed
• It is believed that certain days are auspicious or inauspicious All of these are examples of shirk that undermine tawakkul and seek refuge in powers other than Allah. In Surah At-Tawbah, verse 28:

"O you who have believed, indeed the mushrikeen are unclean." Even in the most important decision of life such as marriage, resorting to shirk is incompatible with the essence of faith.

4. Neighborhood Pressure and the Anxiety of "What Will Society Say?" In traditional societies, individuals often make decisions based on what society will think. The questions "What will the neighborhood say?" and "What will the relatives think?" come before the pleasure of Allah. However, the Qur'an awakens the believer with this warning (Surah Al-A'raf, verse 3):

"Follow what has been revealed to you from your Lord and do not follow other than Him as allies." In the decision of marriage as well, it is Allah's revelation — not the pressure of society or family — that must be the guide. Of course, valuing the family's opinion and consulting with them is praiseworthy. But to regard the family or society more than Allah is shirk. What Should a Revelation-Centered Marriage Look Like? Thus far we have addressed the conflict of traditional practices with revelation. So what should a revelation-centered understanding of marriage look like? Here are the fundamental principles:

1. The Right to Know and Be Known Islam permits those who are to marry to get to know each other. The woman must see the man she is to marry, be able to speak with him, and learn about his religion, his morality, and his worldview. The man likewise must come to know the woman. In matchmaker-arranged marriages, the engaged couple sometimes never see each other until the marriage contract. They meet at home after the nikah. This can lead to both psychological trauma and incompatibility. Islam does not envision such a risk.
2. Consultation, Not Imposition Families may advise their children and suggest persons they consider suitable. But it must be consultation, not imposition. In Surah Ash-Shura, verse 38:

"And whose affair is consultation among themselves." Consultation means thinking together and exchanging ideas. Imposition is forcing one party's decision upon another.

3. The Criterion of Taqwa The most important criterion is the person's sense of responsibility before Allah. In Surah Al-Hujurat, verse 13:

"Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you." In spouse selection as well, this must be the primary criterion. A person's wealth, position, and beauty are secondary factors. What is essential is fear of Allah, conscientiousness in worship, and moral uprightness.

4. Equality and Balance Islam addresses the woman and the man equally. In marriage too, the woman is not a silent, will-less party. Both the man and the woman have the right to speak. Women and men are equal. This understanding of equality must also be observed in the pre-marriage process.
5. Humility and Tawakkul in Allah When seeking a spouse, there must not be arrogance, pride, or excessive selectiveness — but humility and trust in Allah. By the principle of belief in destiny, a person's spouse has been decreed by Allah. But this does not mean remaining passive. It requires actively searching, getting to know, and in the process of deciding, praying to Allah and placing trust in Him. Leaving Behind the Matchmakers' Gaze and Holding Fast to Allah In traditional societies, "matchmakers" play an important role. But what they see is only the surface. What Allah sees, however, are the hearts. If Allah looks at hearts, then we too, in a decision as vital as marriage, must look at hearts — focusing not on external appearances but on the inner world. And this is possible only under the guidance of revelation. In conclusion, the matchmaker-arranged marriage understanding is problematic to the extent that it strays from the essence of revelation. Elements such as bathhouse culture, forced marriage, practices containing shirk, and neighborhood pressure are contrary to the spirit of Islam. A revelation-centered understanding of marriage, by contrast, rests upon free will, the right to know one another, the criterion of taqwa, consultation, and trust in Allah. Let us recall Surah Adh-Dhariyat, verse 56 once more:

"And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me." Turning toward this divine purpose in every area of life — including marriage — leads the human being to true peace. When choosing our spouse, let our guide be not "What will the neighborhood say?" but "What does Allah command?" Let us look not with the eyes of matchmakers, but with the light of revelation. Only thus can we attain the sakinah, mawaddah, and rahmah promised in Surah Ar-Rum. May Allah make us His rabbani servants, unite us with rabbani spouses, and make our marriages a brotherhood in cause on the path of servitude to Him.